Friday, September 4, 2009

I'm Starting To Feel Just A Little Abused, Like A Coffee Machine In An Office

"She Wolf" (Shakira, 2009) is about lycanthropy.



(HOLY FUCK THAT WORD IS A LYRIC IN THIS SONG AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IT MEANS OH SHIT OH FUCK OH SHIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME OH WAIT ACCORDING TO THE OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY IT MEANS THIS

A kind of insanity described by ancient writers, in which the patient imagined himself to be a wolf, and had the instincts and propensities of a wolf. Now occasionally applied as a name of those forms of insanity in which the patient imagines himself a beast, and exhibits depraved appetites, alteration of voice, etc., in accordance with this delusion.


HOLY FUCK HOW DID I NOT KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS AND SHAKIRA DID ENGLISH IS NOT EVEN HER FIRST LANGUAGE STUPID STUPID STUPID I FEEL SO STUPID OH SHIT OH FUCK OH SHIT OH WAIT MAYBE I'M NOT SO STUPID AFTER ALL MAYBE THIS WHOLE THING IS JUST AN EXCUSE FOR SHAKIRA TO SHOW OFF OH WAIT YEAH THAT IS PROBABLY IT OTHERWISE WHY WOULD SHE BE DANCING LIKE THAT ITS NOT LIKE THAT KIND OF DANCING IS EVEN ATTRACTIVE ITS JUST KIND OF FREAKISH SERIOUSLY WHY IS SHE ONLY WEARING TIGHTS ON HER RIGHT LEG AND NOT HER LEFT OK I FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF NOW WHAT A FREAK WHEW.)

(Seriously though, Shakira is awesome. For proof, read this, and then this, and think about how awesome you have to be for Gabriel García Márquez to agree to write a profile of you.)

Posted by request. Thanks for reading, Bridget!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

This Room Won't Be Open 'Til Your Brothers And Your Sisters Come

"Closing Time" (Semisonic, 1997) is about the process of being born.

I know it sounds like I am trying to make a joke here, but this is not a joke. The thing being closed is the womb; the reference to "last call" is actually about how a woman must refrain from drinking alcohol during her pregnancy. If you listen closely to the lyrics, this makes sense, although I never would have figured it out without the help of Semisonic drummer Jacob Slichter (a person I had never heard of before today and who might be trying to fuck with me but really has no reason to) who says so directly on page 135 of his 2005 book So You Wanna Be A Rock & Roll Star: How I Machine-Gunned A Roomful Of Record Executives And Other True Tales From A Drummer's Life. (Read the page on Google Books if you don't believe me.)

But, I mean, really, the song is about being unceremoniously kicked out of a bar at 4am despite the fact that you haven't found anyone to hook up with yet and thereby don't actually want to leave, preferring instead to nurse another drink in the dark and hold onto the slim but viable possibility that somebody interesting might walk in and save you from the renewed prospect of spending another long, cold, drunken night alone in your empty bed, wondering as you fitfully fall asleep if anyone will ever be able to work up the courage to love you.

Duh.


Closing Time - Semisonic

Posted by request. Thanks for reading, Peter!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

"Plenty of men have tried to run roughshod over J.R. Ewing. You can visit them in the cemetery."

"The Theme From Dallas" (Jerrold Immel, 1978) is about passion, power, and oil, deep in the heart of Texas.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

I Know That You Like Me; You're My Future Wifey

"Kiss Me Thru the Phone" (Soulja Boy Tell 'Em, 2008) is about a man who's in for a big surprise when he finally figures out how a telephone works.


Kiss Me Thru The Phone - Soulja Boy Tell`em

Friday, July 31, 2009

Cause I'm Bluffin' (With My Muffin)

Poker Face (Lady GaGa, 2008) is about one woman's ongoing attempt to lead a normal existence despite the fact that she is capable of making only one expression with her face—a sort of blank-slate, deer-in-the-paparazzi-camera-lights, open-mouthed, disinterested nothingness, in the style of a dental patient just coming out of anesthesia—whether she is having sex, playing table games at a casino, or filming the music videos for her three hit dancehall singles.



Posted by request. Thanks for reading, Shruti and Maddy!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I'm Burning Through The Sky, Yeah!

"Don't Stop Me Now" (Queen, 1979) is about astronauts, and how fucking awesome it is to be an astronaut and go all fast and shit, and be up in the sky in a spaceship, and be like, supersonic. The message of the song is that astronauts are awesome, and that you should totally study real hard so that you can be an astronaut one day and go up in space, like Freddie Mercury, or Buzz Aldrin, or Lance Bass. Because if you become an astronaut, you're never going to want to stop being an astronaut. Because space is awesome, and being an astronaut is awesome, and don't try and stop me because I am doing this thing because I believe in my dreams, and once I'm up in space, man, I'm not ever coming down.



Posted by request. Thanks for reading, NASA!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Better Better Better Better Better Better Better

"Fidelity" (Regina Spektor, 2006) is about the struggle to open oneself up fully to another person—to be, if you will, faithful to one's own heart after years of hardening it against the possibility of love for fear that it will go awry and leave you broken, be it by the destructive meddling of wives or mistresses (may they never meet) or merely by the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and the incontrovertible truths that all acts are essentially selfish at their core and that human interactions far too often become about finding new ways to hurt each other, lest we be hurt first.

Although at times, if you are a person, this might seem like an impossible task, Spektor has thankfully offered us some advice in the music video for her song, which posits the throwing of brightly-colored chalk in pristine environments as a fail-safe step on the path to accepting love—perhaps inspired by Holi, the Indian festival which celebrates young Prahlad's unshakable faith in the god Vishnu and his subsequent deliverance from injury that one time he was set on fire by his own father.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Then You Flew Your Lear Jet Up To Nova Scotia To See The Total Eclipse Of The Sun

"You're So Vain" (Carly Simon, 1972) is about Warren Beatty.

Good God, this blog is starting to get expensive.



Posted by request. Thanks for reading, Tom!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Get The Kids And Bring A Sweater; Dry Is Good And Wind Is Better

"Sunny Came Home" (Shawn Colvin, 1996) is about a beleaguered homemaker, overwhelmed by the trials and oppressive expectations of day-to-day living, who desperately seeks to regain some sense of self-determination by asserting herself over the one thing in her life she still feels is within her power to control: whether or not anyone has yet set fire to her house.


Sunny Came Home - Shawn Colvin

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Justice Will Be Served And The Battle Will Rage

"Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American)" (Toby Keith, 2002) is about:
  1. America.
  2. Freedom.
  3. Revenge.
  4. The infuriating way your heart has no choice but to swell with authentic patriotic feeling at the sound of brass hand bells ringing clear and strong through the night, even though on an intellectual level, you know that you are being manipulated by what is nothing less than absolutely masterful studio production work, and that any song that claims that "put[ting] a boot in your ass" is "The American Way" can in no way represent the views of someone who has developed logical, well-reasoned, non-reactionary views about war and the inevitable devastation that will ensue from it, which surely is what true patriotism requires.
  5. Toby Keith: one hell of a man.


Happy 4th of July!